Showing posts 与 label 跨种族的. 显示所有帖子
Showing posts 与 label 跨种族的. 显示所有帖子

2018年1月9日,星期二

如果您采用跨种族,则MLK日还不够

每年都会发生。 

为了纪念金博士的生日,“积极” MLK语录在社交媒体上广为流传。 现在,不要误会我的意思。 金博士是一个不可思议的人。  在 fact, my son 和 I share Dr. King's birthday, making 的 holiday extra special for us. 


但是,我想知道每年这个时候有多少人对King博士一口气,对社会正义的帽子一年四季都有吗?




如果您是异族收养的父母,坦白地说。 您不能每年为King博士加油并考虑自己醒了。 就像你看不懂 杀死一只知更鸟 和 decide you understand everything 的re 是 to know about racism. 


Parenting a 儿童 of another 种族 means committing to a lifetime of learning, changing, 和 growing.  It means humility. 这意味着宽恕。 这意味着询问和倾听。  It means observing. 当然,这意味着追求。 


您的朋友圈?  It should grow wider 和 wider in 的 right places. 它应该变得更加多样化,更具吸引力,更具包容性。 


您的媒体.  You should listen to 和 read from sources where 的 people reporting racially match your 儿童. 


你家.  你家 should reflect your 儿童's racial culture: 书籍,艺术,音乐,玩具。  你家 should be your 儿童's place of comfort 和 belonging. 


您不必全部弄清楚。 作为人类,您会跌跌撞撞,犯错,有时甚至感到完全荒谬。  However, as a parent to a 儿童 of color, you get right back up, say your apologies (perhaps it's just to your own 儿童), 和 move forward.  You take your 儿童 by 的 hand 和 say, "I'm not perfect, 但 I am your mom.  和 you 和 me? 我们正在一起做。 无论如何,我都会支持你。”


与 your 行动s 和 words, you affirm your 儿童ren. 我经常在睡觉前让我五岁的儿子跟着我重复一遍:


“我很聪明。  I am silly.  I am handsome. 我是好兄弟  I am brown.  和 I am awesome."


作为一个多种族的家庭, 由跨种族收养形成,是一种生活方式。  It's an honor.  A joy.  A challenge.  A choosing. 


和 I want to be able to always tell AND show my 儿童ren:  我选择你。我选择所有人。 你的黑度是美丽,神奇和神圣的。  You were fearfully 和 wonderfully made by an Almighty God to be 的 incredible human being 那 you are.  You are loved. 


该选择不会在每年一月的MLK周末开始和结束。  No. 这种选择是永远的。



您和您的家人一年四季如何醒来并保持苏醒? 

---
仅仅因为我们不(也不应限制)我们对MLK日的觉醒,并不意味着我们不庆祝MLK日!  

这是我们在MLK日最喜欢阅读的五本书(点击图片了解更多信息):



2017年11月30日星期四

亲爱的糖:您对公开收养,种族主义,准备兄弟姐妹和道德的迫切收养问题

亲爱的糖:

This 是 的 very last day of National Adoption Month, 和 today I'm addressing some of questions left for me from 我们的Facebook社区.  

Q:  What are 的 pros 和 cons of 公开采用?

As you know, we have four 公开采用s, 但 的y aren't created (or maintained) equally.  There are so many factors in determining if 公开采用 是 right for you 和 your family. I encourage you to read about 的 following:  公开收养被打破, 公开采用令人生畏, 开放采用需要漏洞.   So to answer your question, 的re 是 n't a hard-and-fast "pros 和 cons" list so much as 的re are complexities to consider.  我谈论了很多关于开放采用的话题 在我的新书中,以及。 

Q:  How do you talk to your kids about all 的 things going on in America today:  抗议,警察暴行,种族不公? 一切似乎如此庞大而复杂!  

它又大又复杂! 我以适当的年龄(成熟)水平与孩子交谈。 We own many, many books on some of 的 topics you mentioned above.  我坚信使用书籍开始和继续对话。 I'm also really honest 与 my kids about history 和 current events, though we carefully monitor 的 media our 儿童ren are exposed to.  我认为,对美国正在发生的事情的一个重要反应是,将其作为提醒自己建立儿童的起点。  Look for every opportunity to surround 的m 与 people who racially match 的m, to point out 的 incredible things Black people have done 和 are doing, to fill your home 与 representation (books, toys, music, art) from 的 儿童's earliest years, have a mentor for your 儿童, 和 affirm 那 your 儿童 是 MAGICAL 和 incredible 和 yes, 的ir Blackness 是 a gift.  I post resources ALL 的 time 在我的Facebook页面上!  


Q:  We already have biological 儿童ren (ages 3 和 5) 和 are 采用ing.  How do we prepare our 儿童ren for 的 采用 process 和 for 的 addition of a new 兄弟?

我奉献了 我第一本书中的整个章节,因为我认为这非常重要! I offer five simple suggestions on preparing your younger 儿童ren for a 兄弟 here.  

As far as 的 actual 采用 process, I recommend taking it day-by-day.  Outlining an entire process from start to finish for young 儿童ren 是 just too much!  I mean, think how overwhelming it 是 for us as adults, let alone young 儿童ren. For example, say 的 social worker 是 going to do a home visit. The day before, ask your kids to help you tidy up 的 house. Tell 的m 那 an important person who 是 going to help your family 采用 a baby 是 coming to visit tomorrow.  Let 的m know 的 person's name 和 的 things 那 will go on during 的 visit.  请记住,不要过分。 记住我在新书中告诉你的内容?  45美元的苹果派有机大豆蜡烛不会给您的社工留下深刻的印象。保持简单,自己做。 And don't freak out if your kid has a tantrum 要么 says something silly while 的 social worker 是 的re.  Anyone who has been around 儿童ren knows 的y aren't perfect. They want YOU, 的 real you, 和 not perfection.  

My 其他 tidbit of advice: don't lose site of 的 relationship you have 与 your current 儿童ren.  I know 采用 是 big 和 overwhelming 和 sometimes all-consuming, 但 you need to remember 那 your job 是 to be a mom NOW, not save up all 的 "good stuff" for later.  


Q:  我们想采用,但是我在大多数采用组中读到的所有内容对于采用都是压倒性的。 我们通过选择采用是否犯了大错误?

好吧,显然我不认为选择采用是错误或问题。 But what I do take 是 sue 与 是 UNETHICAL 采用 practices 和 UNEDUCATED hopeful parents.  这是一个致命的组合: lack of ethics +缺乏教育=收养困难。 谁最容易受到收养问题的影响? The 收养人.  我对道德和教育充满热情, 那 most of my new book 是 dedicated to discussing 的 details of 的se.  您如何追求合乎道德的收养? 道德采用的真正含义是什么? 您如何选择道德收养专家来指导您的旅程? 作为一名充满希望的父母,您如何接受教育? What are 的 best 采用 resources?  

这是一个很大的话题,这就是为什么我不能在一个段落中解决这个问题。 But I urge you to commit to picking up 的 book 和 embarking on a journey 那 will completely change your world 和 make 的 采用 decision so much more clear.  

谢谢你的 在Facebook上提交的问题!  今天就来聊聊您的最新问题。 

2017年11月7日星期二

亲爱的糖: Honoring National Adoption Month 与 希瑟·阿维斯(Heather Avis)

亲爱的糖,

寄养。跨种族收养。特殊需求。 Open 采用.  

这些只是几件事 希瑟·阿维斯(Heather Avis) 在她的书中探索 幸运的少数。我不能把这本书放下来!我能形容的最好方法是? Refreshing. She doesn't hold back, sharing her 经验s 与 her readers in a humble, authentic tone 那 has you tearing up one minute 和 laughing out loud 的 next.  

为了纪念全国收养月,请允许我向您介绍希瑟和她美丽的家庭:

雷切尔: 别人需要了解您什么? 

希瑟: My family 是 made up of my husband Josh, my self 和 our three kids Macyn (9), Truly (6), 和 八月 (3). Josh 和 I have been married for 15 years 和 we are still crazy about one another! We 采用ed all three of our 儿童ren 和 all of 的m were born in California, which 是 where we live. All three came home as babies 和 our son we got to bring home from 三天大的医院。我们的 eldest 和 youngest have Down 综合症 和 our middle 女儿是不同的种族 比我们我们喜欢 adventure 和 spend time 与 our friends 和 family. We always have something going. Doing life well 和 fully 与 其他s 是 important 给我们。它确实需要一个村庄!

雷切尔: Your book title 是 的 first thing 那 caught my eye 和 lured me into buying it!  So 经常 those of us who 采用 are told how lucky our kids are to have us as 的ir parents. 我们通常被视为救世主和超级英雄。  But truly, we, 的 parents, are 的 lucky ones. 所以告诉我,你为什么把书命名为“幸运儿”?  和 what does "luck" have to do 与 采用?  

希瑟: The lucky few 是 的 idea 我们当中没有多少人有亲人 with Down 综合症 和 not many of us answer 的 call to 采用, 但 those of us who do are few 和 very lucky! I think luck may have everything 和 nothing to do 与 采用。我认为以这种方式将一个家庭联系在一起确实有一定的运气。例如我长子的出生 父母出生在亚美尼亚, 早在她出生之前就来到加利福尼亚,而我的中女儿的出生母亲出生于 危地马拉,并前往 California long before my daughter was born 和 here 的y are as sisters. It's really kind magical. 

雷切尔:Like you, when we initially decided to 采用, we held onto misconceptions, 刻板印象 (about 采用), 和 self-preservation. 我们想要“快速而简单”。 但是收养不是“快速简便”,而是吗?  For my readers who are considering 采用, what do you want 的m to know 那 you wish you would have known when you started your journey? 

希瑟: I think this 是  almost a trick question ;). I've found 的 reality of life 是 we can't know what we don't know 和 we have to experience 实际的东西 know it. So while 我有很多事情 想要告诉人们正在考虑采用的事物,例如: sooo much more than you already are; 和 birth families are a gift if you can have one; 和 let go of every single expectation you have ever had about becoming a parent; 和 it's going to be so freaking difficult; 和 it's going to be so freaking worthy no matter how difficult; 和 don't give up no matter what, 的 reality people can hear it 但 can't fully know it if 的y don't experience it. 

雷切尔: You chose to 采用 two 儿童ren 与 特殊需求.  I know 那 this scares a lot of people (and it scared you also initially, as you share in 的 book!).  One of my 采用 mottos 那 I share 与 my readers 是 "make decisions out of education, not out of ignorance."  但是,无论您有多么充分的准备和受过良好的教育,特殊的需求还是一个未知数。  What gets you through 的 dark days, 的 confusion, 的 fear, 的 uncertainty?   和 what 是 it REALLY like to parent 儿童ren 与 特殊需求?  

希瑟: 当我们决定是否要与唐氏领养我们的女儿时 我一直在思考综合症,“我可以 give birth to 确切地说她是谁。”事实是,我们几乎没有 控制我们的孩子被收养与否。如果我怀有唐氏综合症的孩子,我不会对她说不,那么为什么我要拒绝收养孩子呢? 唐氏综合症?教育肯定是有帮助的,但没有很多 learning 要么 可以将妈妈的心嫁给孩子的研究。最后,我的孩子们 with Down 综合症是我的孩子,这就是所有的事情。任何妈妈都可以告诉您,当您的孩子是您的孩子时,似乎没有其他问题。事实是,当我们把大女儿带回家时,我们意识到 综合症是一种礼物,那就是 最终导致我们采用 second child with Down 综合症. When I answer the 问题,“父母亲 child with special needs?" 的 people asking need to recognize I 没什么不同,所以对我来说,这很“正常”。还有一些附加功能,例如 weekly therapies for 发展和成长,还有那么多医生 appointments, most during 的 first couple years, 但 really, raising a 儿童 与唐 syndrome is like raising a 儿童. Parenthood 是 no joke, 特殊需求 要么 not! I also say 的 most difficult part of raising a 儿童 与唐 sender has little to do 与唐 综合症 和 everything to do 与 to world in which we live. The majority of 适当的系统是为没有 special needs. The world has yet to figure out to to create a space for people 与唐 综合症 to be exactly who 的y are 和 to be 作为那个人成功。 目前我最难 aspect of raising a child 与 Ds 是 的 school systems 和 every 其他 system in place. My kids are gold, 的 systems not so much. 

雷切尔: 您和您的家人接下来要做什么? 你会再收养吗? 写另一本书? 

希瑟: 我们不打算再次采用。我们有能力并且完全满意。我们认为我们的家庭已经成长了。 话虽如此,当我们着手 parenthood  我们从没想过我们会采用, especially not children 与 DS. So we know God knows best 和 we are always ready to step where He calls us. Hopefully 那 won't be towards another kid! But if it 是 , we'll step up for sure. Also, if someone were to hand me a brand new baby most likely I'm taking 那 kid! 和 I am currently working on my 第二 book. Writing up a proposal 和 希望它能被发布者获取。因此,我们将看到!!!

Want to connect 与 Heather?  Start 与 her 因斯塔gram的,梅西让我开心, 拥有超过110,000位关注者! 

2017年10月17日星期二

亲爱的糖:与米歇尔·马德里·布兰奇,被收养人,按收养母亲和作家见面

亲爱的糖:

One of my favorite people in 的 采用 community 是 米歇尔·马德里·布兰奇。她是国际收养人,是一位被收养的妈妈,并且 一位作家, 除其他事项外。 我从她那里学到了很多东西,我想你会的! 

雷切尔: 米歇尔,您与收养有双重关系。  You're an 收养人  你是被收养的妈妈。 每个连接如何帮助您定义和理解采用方式? 

As an 收养人, 采用 has defined so much of who I am as a person. From my earliest beginnings, I have lived 与in 的 skin of being an 国际的 收养人. I've journeyed to uncover 的 truths of my own 采用 in 要么der to become whole. As a mom-by-adoption, I've been able to understand 的 deep blessing of delivering a 儿童 in this way. Both 经验s have aided me in understanding 的 profound gain 和 profound grief of 采用,并且我学到了三个关键的课程: 

Adoption 是 not a one-sided 经验. 它影响到每个人。 Open 和 honest communication 是 so very essential. Expect differing perspectives. Respect 的m all. 

Grief 是 real for 的 收养人. 在我成长的大部分时间里,我并没有大声哀悼。我因为害怕而把情绪隐藏在里面。爱似乎是我成为一个快乐,完美的养女的条件。 As beautiful as 采用 can be, 的re 是 an ocean of grief involved. That grief must be safely explored, heard 和 validated. 

Identity 是 的 收养人's to claim. An 收养人 deserves to claim 的ir true identity, 和 not one 那 是 imposed upon 的m. Plain 和 simple, support 收养人s in 的ir journey to know who 的y are, on 的ir terms 和 in 的ir time. 


雷切尔: 您的 社交媒体你的博客 似乎深深植根于诚实和喜悦。  Can you tell me what your main goal 要么 purpose 是 when you write a book 要么 blog post? What do you want 的 world to know about 采用? 

米歇尔: I want 的 world to understand 那 的 采用 community has much to share. We are resilient, inclusive, proud, 和 no longer willing to stand in 的 shadows. I want 的 world to understand 那 的re 是 a love 那 knows no borders 和 那 采用 是 的 living, breathing blueprint of this kind of love. I want 的 world to understand 那 honesty 是 healing. 和, 那 joy 是 possible —无论您走过什么人生。你的故事就是你的力量。好好用 

雷切尔: For those who are hoping to 采用, what 是 one piece of advice, encouragement, 要么 wisdom you can provide based on your 经验s?

米歇尔: When 的y ask about 的ir 采用, stop everything 和 focus on 的m. Don't brush it off, don't let 的 moment slip away. 各个年龄段的被收养者都需要感到被看见和听到。 

雷切尔: 您现在爱的三件事是什么? 

米歇尔: 1) I'm an equestrian. I ride english saddle 和 enjoy jumping in 的 arena. My horse, Sir Cadbury, teaches me so much about balance 和 being in 的 moment. It's a beautiful gift!

2) Along 那 note, I feel really blessed 那 my 7-year old daughter 是 an equestrian, too. Nothing fills me 与 more joy than when we are together in 的 arena. 

3) 笑声! We are a family 那 laughs...a lot. I love 的 sounds of our laughter. I'll never stop loving 那!


2017年9月12日星期二

亲爱的糖:燃烧种族采用问题

亲爱的糖:

今天,我们将重点讨论跨种族收养问题。 这是我最常问的问题。 Let's get 在 it.  

问:我一直想领养,而异族领养对我很有吸引力。 Yet I'm not sure it's 的 right decision.  How do you know 那 跨种族收养 是 的 right choice for you?  

A:  去年,我对这个问题发表了广泛的回应。 You can check out 的 popular post here

Q:  Can we clear up 的 clothing debate?  Is it OK for a Black 儿童, who was 采用ed 跨种族的ly, to wear clothing (which seems popular in clothing lines) 那 feature monkeys 要么 watermelons?   

A:  This has been a hotly debated topic in 的 跨种族收养 community for some time.  So let me just say, as a white mama, I tend to "err on 的 side of caution" on this one.  Yes, I do know Black mamas of Black 儿童ren who allow 的ir kids to wear monkey 和 watermelon prints 和 don't think twice about it.  However, I think parents who don't racially match 的ir 儿童ren need to consider 的 possible implications 和 weigh those heavily.   To me, it simply 是 n't worth putting 的se prints on my 儿童ren.  还有很多其他选择。  So my answer?  Don't do it.   

Q:  Hairstyles.  What's appropriate?  What's not?   (Because I'm not 那 great 在 doing hair). It's really discouraging to feel 那 I can't ever get hair-doing right, 和 I don't want to impact my 儿童 negatively (socially) 要么 harm my relationship 与 her.     

A:  另一个重要主题: hair!  简单的答案是这样的: 如果您挣扎,则需要帮助。 And even if you can cornrow beautifully, you might need 其他 kinds of help (with raising your 儿童).  可以找人来编织你女儿的头发。 可以带您的儿子去理发店理发。 In fact, I look 在 的se 经验s as opportunities for a 儿童 to partake in his 要么 her racial culture 和 be part of his 要么 her racial community.   Being able to discuss not just hair, 但 many topics (police brutality, appropriate clothing choices-see question #2, etc.) 与 my 儿童ren's hair braider 和 barber has been incredibly helpful.   You are NOT a failure for not being 的 perfect hair braider 要么 hair cutter for your 儿童.   在 fact, you're a GOOD parent for stepping up, asking for help, 和 learning from those who are part of your 儿童's racial community. 

Q:  We're approached so 经常 by strangers who ask intimate questions about my 儿童's 采用 story.  我敢肯定这是因为她的领养很明显: I'm white 和 my 儿童 是 Black.   The thing 是 , I don't want to be rude, 但 I also don't think random people should know my 儿童's story. Furthermore, 的 questions are 经常 racially motivated (or hint 在 being so).   It's frustrating.  What do I do 的 next time someone asks another weird/rude/random question?       

A:  我完全知道你在说什么。 My family 是 big, 多种族, 和 built by 采用, 和 的refore, we tend to 在tract a lot of 在tention, whether it be a 第二-glance, a lingering stare, 要么 an approach followed by an interrogation.   How you respond depends on what your 儿童 wants (if he/she 是 old enough), 但 ultimately, it's important, as you already know, to hold your 儿童's story sacred.  因此,简单的“那是私人的”是一个完全适当的响应。  I know many parents like to respond 与 a question, "Why do you ask?"  But to me, I don't really care WHY 的 stranger 是 asking, because I want 的 conversation's focus to change.  不是说我们有什么要隐藏的。  But as our 儿童's parents, we have 的 responsibility to respect 和 protect our 儿童ren, as well as teach 的m 那 it's never OK for an adult to use 的ir age, size, 要么 status (as an adult) to bully answers out of our family.   


您对跨种族收养有哪些迫切的问题? Let's chat 在脸书上

2017年8月24日星期四

亲爱的糖:会见国际,跨种族被收养者和收养治疗师Katie Naftzger,探讨养育子女的问题

亲爱的糖,

Today I'm so thrilled to share 与 you my 面试 与 凯蒂·纳夫茨格(Katie Naftzger)!  She 是 an 收养人 (international 和 跨种族的) 和 an 采用 的rapist.  She's 的 作者 of Parenting in 的 Eye of 的 Storm:  The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Navigating 的 Teen Years, 和 let me tell you, every single parent-by-adoption should read this book. Even if you aren't 为人父母 a teen, I encourage you to read 的 book because being proactive 是 so important!

凯蒂: I'm a Korean-born, 跨种族的ly, 国际的ly 采用ed 的rapist. I have a younger sister who 是 also a Korean-adoptee 但 not biologically related. I grew up in urban Chicago, where 是 sues of 种族, class 和 safety, were ever-present 和 interwoven into our lives. It was before most 养父母s sought out 的rapy, unless 的y were in undeniable crisis. There were no online forums 要么 组s. Perhaps because of this, I learned so much from my face-to-face, real time moments 和 relationships. My public high school was over 80% Black. I was truly a 少数民族 in a different way than I am now. Those were learning years for me. 

Being Asian in high school brought 与 it a specific set of 是 sues - many Asians had recently immigrated, high-achieving 但 extremely low-income. I felt my privilege as someone who didn’t have to work to be here, 但 I also felt lost compared to 的m. They seemed to know who 的y were 和 where 的y were going in ways 那 I didn't. I tried to include extracurricular activities 那 didn't put 种族 in 的 forefront, like playing flute. I played in this prestigious competition where 的 judges were behind a screen. For 那 moment, I was faceless 和 种族less which felt strangely liberating. 

I admired my 养父母's passion in continually taking steps to try to level 的 playing field, in 的ir work 与 marginalized populations. But, 的y underestimated what my sister 和 I needed. This 是 的 book 那 my parents didn’t have. 

As a psychotherapist I work primarily 与 采用ed teens, young adults 和 families. I help 采用ive families to feel more empowered, connected 和 more optimistic about 的 future. I’ve had 的 privilege of meeting 与 hundreds of 收养人s who share feelings 和 经验s 那 的y’ve never explored 与 someone else! 和, in those conversations, I’我不断问自己三个问题: 

What are 的y trying to tell me?
What do 的y need from me?
我该如何解决这些需求? 

我有一件事’ve learned in depth over 的 years 是 just how important 的ir 养父母s are to 的m. What 的y need from you 是 laid out in 的 four tasks outlined in 的 book - “unrescuing,” setting 采用-sensitive limits, having connecting conversations 和 envisioning 的 future.

雷切尔: You 作者ed a new book about 采用 和 的 teen years.  为什么收养者的父母需要阅读本书?  

凯蒂: What I was seeing was 那 many 养父母s were 为人父母 那 的y did when 的ir teen was younger. 和, unfortunately, what had worked in 的 past wasn’t working anymore. 和, sometimes it even backfired. Their relationship suffered 和 的 teen 经常 felt unprepared for young adulthood. The goals change a lot in 的 teen years. When 的y were younger it was about reassurance, security 和 comfort. 在 的 teen years, helping 的m to feel more empowered, competent 和 authentic 是 key. This book 是 not just about why 那’重要,但为收养父母提供了应用这些见解的方法。 

这本书的独特之处在于它适合每个收养父母,无论您是’重新滑行或陷入危机。这不是病态 要么 minimizing. Our reaction 和 lived 经验 as 收养人s 是 not predetermined. That said, 的re are inherent losses in 的 narrative which are important to understand, which for many 收养人s, remain unspoken, especially 与 those who aren’t 收养人s.

The stakes are so high. The more grounded, informed 和 empowered you feel, 的 more access you’ll have to 的 changing needs of your 采用ed teen. Even seemingly small changes make all of 的 difference in 的 long run.

雷切尔: You are an 经验d 的rapist, working 与 收养人s.   What do parents, generally speaking, need to understand about 的ir 青少年s 那 you've noticed parents seem to be missing right now?  

凯蒂: One of 的 most important reframes to integrate, 是 那 的 采用 story 是 not just about abandonment 要么 relinquishment, 要么 loss, although 的re 是 loss embedded in it, of course. It’s a survival story. 

The 收养人 survived something 那 其他s in similar situations, did not. Many 收养人s talk 与 me about how lucky 的y were just to have survived. To have one’s life hinge on luck 是 unsettling! So, 与out even realizing it, many 收养人s will develop survival skills 那 will allow 的m to make 的ir own luck, so to speak. This could mean excelling in school, fitting in racially/culturally/socially, etc. It could mean a highly tuned radar for what 其他s feel about 的m. There’通常会保持警惕,常常无法察觉和失去知觉。 

雷切尔: One thing I've struggled 与, 和 so have many parents by 采用, 是 when our 儿童ren struggle, we cannot decide if 的 struggle 是 related to 采用 要么 not. 您能对像我这样的父母如何回答这个问题提供任何建议吗?  和 if 的 struggle IS 采用-related, what's 的 next step 的 parent should take? 

凯蒂: Let’s start 与 的 difference between younger 收养人s 和 采用ed teens. Teenhood brings a different lens to 的ir relationship, whether unknown 要么 known, 与 的ir 亲生父母. When 收养人s are younger, 的y have questions, possibly hurt feelings, etc. But in teenhood, 收养人s can actually identify 与 的 birth mother. Because 的y’re now sexually equipped, 的y can put 的mselves in 的 position of 的ir birth mother. Teens are 经常 become able to think more abstractly so 的y 经常 become interested in 的 feelings, details, 的 injustices 和 morals. This 经常 includes variations on 的 question, how could you do this to me? 

未领养的青少年有一个出生故事,但对于领养的人来说,’s a survival story. For 收养人s, 的 worst has already happened. Of course, teenhood 是 generally fraught 与 risk 和 potential! But, 收养人s are 经常 more in survival mode than 的 garden-variety teen. When 收养人s who come in to see me, early on, 的y’我会经常说“我可以接别人’s feelings. I’m extremely 在tuned.” But, through 的ir tone, I know by 的ir serious tone 那 it’不仅仅是随便的特质。它’s a strategy. 

What I argue in 的 book 是 那 的re 是 a parallel process between you as 养父母 和 的 采用ed teen. Just as you are in some ways, a garden-variety parent, you are also an 养父母, 和 are faced 与 reconciling 那! 和, although each parent 是 unique, 的 four tasks I lay out encompass 的 vulnerabilities 那 I’ve seen in 采用ed teens 和 养父母s. For example, unrescuing 是 的 first task. I believe 那 采用ed teens 经常 believe 那 的y need to be rescued, 和 那 养父母s are more vulnerable to rescuing. Why? The rescuing 是 part of 的 narrative. 

terms of next steps for 养父母s, 的re are four of 的m - 不可救药 setting 采用-sensitive limits, having connecting conversations 和 envisioning 的 future, in 那 要么der! Each task also contains simple, practical accessible adjustments 那 养父母s can make to meet 的 needs of 的ir 采用ed teen. 

雷切尔: Besides your book (which I'm reading right now 和 underlining passage after passage), what 其他 resources do you recommend parents-by-adoption read to better understand 的ir 儿童ren?  

凯蒂: The podcast Journey of 的 American Academy of Child 和 Adolescent Psychiatry 是 helpful if you’re interested in 的 research, not just about 采用, 但 a range of mental health 是 sues. Add Water 和 Stir: Women of Color/Adoption/Foster Care/Parenting 是 fantastic. The Rambler includes 面试s of many Korean-adult 收养人s, myself included. The host, Mike McDonald 是 also a Korean-adoptee. AdopteesOn 是 hosted by a Canadian 收养人 和 focuses on 公开采用 和 reunion stories. Might need Kleenex for 那 one! She 面试s 收养人s who are also 的rapists, which I participated in. Creating a Family 是 hosted by Dawn Davenport, 养父母, 作者, whom I just love. I enjoyed talking 与 her about 的 book! 和, Renegade Rules 是 actually a podcast for parents of younger 儿童ren, 但 we had a fascinating conversations about teens 和 采用. 


2017年7月3日,星期一

亲爱的糖:人们实际上通过异族家庭开放新生儿对我们家庭所说的15件事

亲爱的糖: 

The 其他 day, I was thinking about all 的 things people have said to our family.   After almost a decade (a decade!) in 的 采用 community, we've encountered many interested, funny, not-funny, awkward, strange, absurd, complimentary, 和 shocking situations.   
这些都是已经对我们说过的真实的事情。 我希望收到您的来信!  前往Facebook并鸣叫:  对你家人说了什么? 

1:  Are 的y real 兄弟s?

2:  现在您已经采用了,您是否打算尝试拥有 your own real 儿童ren?

3:  You have 一个美丽的家庭.  

4:  您的孩子来自哪个国家? 

5:  Are you going to tell 的m 的y are 采用ed?  

6:  我一直想领养。 

7:  上帝保佑你收养!  

8:  做女儿的头发需要多长时间?!? 

9:  Are 的y [kids] in 寄养?  

10: Why didn't you 采用 white 儿童ren?

11:  At least you didn't have to deal 与 stretch marks!  

12: 有这么多的孩子需要好的,充满爱的房屋。 

13: 您会经营日托吗?

14: 有人怎么能放弃这么漂亮的婴儿?

15: I don't see color.  

2017年6月28日星期三

亲爱的糖:白人对黑人孩子必须停止的三项令人反感的事情

亲爱的糖, 

今天的帖子确实不适合您。 It's for those around you (maybe even your nearest-and-dearest, your 儿童's white teacher 要么 coach, etc.) who might be doing some things 那 really aren't cool.   So, here goes, an authentic, upfront, firm "no no" list for those around you who may be screwing up when it comes to interacting 与 your kids.  因此,共享,发送,打印(并移交给它)。 无论您需要做什么。  

1:  Touch 的ir hair.
Our 儿童ren are not pets. They are people.  Their hair 是 part of 的ir body 和 shouldn't be touched 与out consent (and wouldn't it be weird to ask to touch a 儿童's hair anyway)?   A white person touching a Black 儿童's hair 是 a 微侵略. 微侵略 is:"a 微妙  进攻 评论 要么 行动  a 少数民族 要么 其他 非主导 
   经常 无意的 要么 
不知不觉 加强 a 刻板印象。” 

Yes, I understand 那 patting a 儿童 on 的 head 要么 touching hair 是 meant to be endearing (and you'll argue, I do 的 same to a 儿童 of ANY color), 但 when it's a white adult (or person) touching a Black 儿童, a line 是 crossed.   Plus your dirty hands in my 儿童's cornrows (braids 那 took me two hours 要么 more to do) 是 disrespectful of my 儿童's body 和 of 的 time 和 energy we put in to doing her hair.   

Hair 是 a really big deal in 的 Black community 和 has much significance in Black culture.  您可能没有完全(或什至部分地)理解这一点。 您不需要真正地“得到它”。 You just need to respect my 儿童 enough not to pet her.  

I get 那 you might be really curious about Black hair, 但 的 way to gain answers to your questions 是 n't to pluck up a beaded braid, which 是 在tached to my 儿童's head, 和 fondle.  那太奇怪了。所以停止。


2:  Gush over 的 儿童's appearance.  


我知道,你在夸奖。 But when a white person reduces a 儿童 to his 要么 her appearance by gushing over skin tone 和 hair, it's called 狂欢 (and it's disturbing 和 creepy). The "compliment" 是 usually over-the-top: 的 compliment repeated multiple times to where it gets really, really uncomfortable.  It's 经常 done to bi-racial kids, kids who were 采用ed 跨种族的ly, 和 儿童ren who have intricate hairstyles.  

在 my 经验, it's done more 经常 to girls than boys; girls already are overly complimented on 的ir appearance, 但 与 girls of color, it's done even more.  

Our 儿童ren aren't objects to be admired 和 reduced, 特别是没有 by a white person.  And frankly, all 的 在tention makes many kids really uncomfortable. 

我去年写了一篇关于他应该对像我这样的家庭说的一句话 (通过收养建立的家庭)非常好并且受到赞赏。 Notice 那 I do not invite you to pet my 儿童 要么 do anything listed in point #3.  只要保持简单(最好不要令人毛骨悚然)即可。 

3:询问。 

One of 的 questions 那 most bothers my 儿童ren 是 when white people, usually women, first try to touch 的ir hair 和 的n follow 那 up 与, "HOW LONG DID THAT TAKE?" 和 "HOW CAN YOU SIT THAT LONG?"  (或者,“哦,明白了,女朋友!我自己卷发。” No.  Just no.)  

通常,我的女孩只是给怪异陌生人一眼(烦恼和困惑)。 Like, I don't even know you, you get in my personal space 和 touch part of my body 与out permission, 和 的n proceed to ask me questions.  You peppering my 儿童ren 与 your white person questions 和 curious touches goes against everything 那 every parent teaches 的ir 儿童: stranger awareness 和 stranger danger.  作为成年人,您应该了解更多!   My 儿童ren's Blackness 和 your whiteness (and my whiteness too) 是 n't an invitation to begin your round of questioning (and touching).  


Other questions might be about 的ir 采用 stories, 的ir parents' 种族(s) ("Oh, so 是 your dad Black?"), 的ir racial makeup ("So are you mixed?"). Additionally, questions 要么 评论s embedded in 刻板印象 aren't appreciated.  例如,“我打赌您喜欢篮球”或“您喜欢说唱音乐吗?” 我的孩子不存在是您的黑Google。  

听着,我知道你会告诉我你只是在试图友好。 你是一个好人。 You love 儿童ren.   Great!  我喜欢对我的孩子好的人! But as a white person, please recognize 那 的re are some rules 那 apply to an interaction between a white adult 和 a Black 儿童. You may not like 的 rules (ahem, 白色脆性) 和 have a hard time grasping 的m.  

但猜猜怎么了? 这不关你的事。   

爱,瑞秋